An(other) Open Letter

My dearest Rusty,

I know that you'll never read this. You are, after all, a dog. And unless we're living in a Dean Koontz novel, you can't read. But, I just wanted to take a moment to express my disappointment with your recent behavior. I can overlook your slow decimation of the cats' scratching post. I can forgive your need to dig holes in my garden (since you are apparently on a singular mission to rid the yard of mole crickets). I will even let bygones be bygones over the loss of two very good volumes of speculative science-fiction that I had planned on enjoying for many years to come. What I cannot abide, however, is your recent behavior towards the couch and the destruction of shoes. Now, I will freely admit that I should have known better than to leave my flip-flops in the kitchen for you to find. So, in this, I am at least partly to blame. But I was fond of those shoes, Rusty. They were worn-in and comfortable, and I liked them. Now I will have to replace them and break in a new pair. I will accept this because I can pick up replacements for less than ten dollars. It's the principle of the thing, you understand. Which brings me, sadly, to the issue of the couch. I understand that you are a young, energetic pup with a touch of insecurity and a twinge of separation anxiety, and I am sympathetic to those problems that you came to us with. I am working to make you more secure with routines and training, and you now have a lot of toys and chewies of your very own to devote hours to gnawing on. So why you had to go slashing the arm of the couch while we ran up the road to look at plants I'll never understand. Why you now insist on pulling the couch cushions onto the floor is also a mystery. So, for everyone's sake, please stop. I will go out and buy you one of those big doggie pillows and you can haul that around the living room all you like, and until you can learn not to touch the couch, there will be obstacles placed on it to deter you. Hopefully, this is all just a phase that you will soon grow out of, but you are causing me quite a bit of anxiety and while I love you, and only want what's best for you, this recent acting-out is not okay. You have been a bad dog, and you should try to be more of a good dog.

Love,

You-Know-Who