YMMV

"You don't have to be pretty. You don't owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don't owe it to your mother, you don't owe it to your children, you don't owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked 'female'." 

I found that quote on Pinterest (of all places), where it was attributed to Diana Vreeland. Ms. Vreeland  certainly may not have been conventionally "pretty", but could be called striking - especially as an older woman who was very stylish and had a certain presence - and she was undoubtedly a dynamo of a woman who had an interesting life and a fabulous and storied career with Harper's Bazaar and Vogue magazines as well as being Jackie Kennedy's fashion adviser during JFK's presidency and a consultant to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. 

The problem is, I can't find any evidence that she spoke those words. In fact, the quote seems to come from a post from 2006  on the A Dress a Day blog, which just happened to have an image of Diana Vreeland accompanying it. 

Regardless of who actually said it, I endorse the sentiment behind the statement. And the older I get, the more I find myself dressing less and less for a perceived audience of perhaps secretly judgmental peers and strangers. Or maybe the not-so-secret audience as well. I have certain acquaintances, mostly at work, who like to make comments on my appearance. I'm quite sure these people exist in every workplace everywhere. Mostly they are meant to be encouraging or complimentary, I suppose, or just as likely are really meant to prompt the recipient of a compliment to return the favor...which I very often don't. Because honey, we're not friends. I will tell you if I like your shoes. I will tell you when the color or cut of your clothes looks flattering, because I like what you're wearing. I will never say to you "Have you been losing weight?" in order to get some flattery back. I am not a mirror for your insecurity nor for your vanity. 

And when you ask me that question, and I answer with a distracted look and a vague reply of "I...guess, maybe" this is code for me disengaging. I know I'm not skinny. How could I possibly not know? I've been the far side of chubby the better part of my life. I have never looked like the girls I see every day on the college campus where I work. Not even at my thinnest was I ever one of those nubile, leggy, totally self-possessed ingenues. Some days I can deal, and some days I curse my hodgepodge European ancestry and the sturdy build that came with it. But let's be honest, okay? There are worse things that a person can be than fat, or plain, or lacking in "fashion sense." Far, far worse things. Besides, not to get all Feminine Mystique here, but it's my body, and is not the thing that defines me. 

This does not mean that being pretty is bad. It's not as if there's only one thing a person can or will or should be, especially as a woman. Strong. Accomplished. Comfortable. Happy. Confident. Smart. DAMN smart. These are the things I aspire to be. And if I decide that I want to try to be pretty, for myself, because I feel like it, I can be that too. Because I want to, not because I think I should be. 

Of course, there are other, less benign interactions centering around what it means to be female in what is still a male-centric society and culture. Let's get this out of the way. I am not a woman who seeks out that kind of attention from men. I will often do everything I can to avoid it. When I do get some kid of a pass or a comment aimed at me, I usually panic and withdraw. Because: I am not a very good flirt. It is just a certain social skill I do not think that I posses. If I want to talk to you, I'm going to do it forthrightly. Hearing appraisals of my looks second-hand is probably worse than someone paying me an awkward compliment, though. And overhearing someone who might be talking about you...well, on one hand, it is good to know who the creepers are, you know? I want to be insulted by the words "a little on the heavy side, but not bad"*...but considering the source, I guess I'll take that as high praise. 

We're all insecure little girls. Even the pretty ones. Find what works. Experience life. Nurture the whole you, and don't ever let yourself be defined by what you think the rest of the world wants from you. But whatever you decide to be: Be Amazing. 

"Every girl is expected to have caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall butt, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, and the arms of Michelle Obama. The only person close to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling." - Tina Fey

*True story. This happened yesterday. Although I didn't catch all of it, what I did hear seemed very much to describe me, physically, and since the conversation was taking place just around the corner from my open door...I hope it wasn't about me, though. Because that means I'm not under the radar nearly enough. :goes to hunt down a gunny sack: